A Very Brady Buffy
by Jeannie2
Summary: Buffy and the rest of the Scoobies meet the ultimate Mary Sue: Mike Brady. It's rated "R" for some sex talk.


Disclaimer: You know the drill.  
  
Author's Note: This pretty much takes place after Hell's Bells, except we're pretending that Spuffy never broke up. And before anyone points it out, the misspellings are intentional.  
  
Dedication: To the people at TwoP, who have posted much funnier stuff than this, and inspired me to write this. I have to give special props to Poly (aka Aidan) who was my beta and cleaned this thing up like nobody's business. Also, he added a lot of funny stuff to it, for which I am eternally grateful.  
  
  
  
A Very Brady Buffy  
  
  
  
Buffy walked toward the Magic Box and thought about the day she had had the day before. She had worked a double-shift at the Doublemeat Palace, then spent two hours at the sematary waiting for a vamp to rise. At 2 o'clock a.m. in the morning, she had finally given up. She was in such a bad mood that she didn't even feel like stopping by Spike's crypt to have sex. Repeatedly. In many different positions. A lot. Wait, repeatedly means a lot. Moving on. "Damn vamps," Bufy muttered to herself. "You wait up all night waiting to stake them and they don't show. Inconsiderate bastards."  
  
Buffey walked into the Magic Box dejectedly and looked around the room at her friends. Xander was sitting in his usual spot and just starting on his third box of donuts. Willow was sitting next to him and sucking down a bottle of water. Buffy noticed that the garbage can in the corner was overflowing with empty bottles. "Did someone forget to take the trash out last night?" inquired Buffy.  
  
"Those are just from this morning," Xandyr exposited.  
  
"Hi Buffy," said Willow, looking cute and gay despite the fugly purple and green blouse she was wearing.  
  
"Good morning," said Buffy to her gay lesbian friend.  
  
"I better get going," Zander said through his mouthful of jelly donuts. "We're meeting with the architect this morning about the new construction project we're starting this week."  
  
"Good luck," said Willow as he walked out the door in a chunky way.  
  
Xander arrived at the construction site just as the meeting was getting underway. The architect went by the name of Mike Brady, and he seemed like a nice enough guy. After the meeting, Mr. Brady approached Xandar.  
  
"Hey Buddy," said Mr. Brady, in an in-the-closet sort of way, "You look a little down. What's up?"  
  
"Well," said Xandor, "I recently called off my wedding and now I don't know what to do. My girlfriend won't speak to me. It wasn't that I didn't love her. I just got scared that I would hurt her if we went through with the wedding."  
  
"Did you talk to your girlfriend and explain your fears before the wedding?"  
  
"Well, no, Mr. Brady, I just kind of held it all inside and let it fester. Every time I felt nervous, I just ate another donut and tried to forget about it. I didn't even realize how scared I was until one of her former victims showed up and gave me false visions of how horrible our future could be."  
  
"It seems to me that you were trying to hide from your fears. You see, Xander," explained Mr. Brady, "when we hide our feelings from others, we're really just hiding from ourselves. And you were feeding into your fear when you were feeding your face with donuts. And you should have been starving your fear by facing it head on and talking to your girlfriend. Because when we try to hide from our fear, it makes it that much easier for the fear to find us when we fear the fear that we fear."  
  
"That makes perfect sense!" exclaimed Xanax. "I'm going to get in touch with Anya right now and try to work things out!" Xandr started to run off.  
  
"Xander!" called out Mr. Brady, "On your way there, stop and pick up an Ab-Roller! And lay off the donuts!"  
  
"Sure thing, Mr. Brady!" Xanander smiled as he ran off to his car.  
  
Later that day, Mr. Brady came into the Magic Box. Willow was still sitting at the table, now wearing a beer-helmet weighed down with water bottles.  
  
"Hey, young lady," said Mr. Brady as he approached her, "you look like something is bothering you."  
  
"Well," said Willow, "the problem is this. I'm a magic-addicted gay- Wiccan-lesbian-witch who is addicted to magic. And then my girlfriend got into an argument with me because she thought I was abusing my power. So I wiped her memory of the fight and then she found out and so I wiped her memories again, along with my best friend's memories of heeeaaaven, but it backfired and my gay-magick-lesbian-witch-Sophic-Wiccan girlfriend broke up with me anyway."  
  
"Willow," said Mr. Brady as he sat down next to her, "you have to understand that you're not alone. This sort of thing happens to everyone at one time or another. You need to stop being so down on yourself. Go home and look in the mirror and say to yourself, 'I'm a good person. I don't need magic to make me happy.' The only thing that will make you happy, Willow, is to accept yourself for who you are. The road to happiness is accepting that sometimes we make mistakes, sometimes we brain- suck our loved ones even though we know better, and sometimes we bring our friends back from heeeaaaven because of the mistaken assumption that they're stuck in a horrible hell dimension. But at the end of the day, you're the only Willow there is, so you need to be happy with who you are."  
  
"You're right Mr. Brady," said Willow. "I'm going to go home right now and make some positive changes. Thank you." Willow took off her helmet, got up and left the store. As she was leaving, Dawn flounced in.  
  
"Your looking down in the dumps," Mr. Brady said to her. "Is there something you'd like to talk about?" Dawn, excited that someone was paying attention to her, made a beeline toward Mr. Brady.  
  
"The problem is," she began, "that no one pays any attention to me. You see, last summer, my sister Buffy jumped through a mystical portal in order to save the world and then her friends brought her back from heeeaaaven and now she doesn't spend any time at all with me and when she does, she's all cranky and asking about school and stuff. And her friends won't spend any time with me either because their ears keep bleeding and I just get sick of it because it's always. All. About. Buffy. Buffy, Buffy, Buffy!" Dawn screeched. Despite the fact that Mr. Brady's ears had started to bleed, he put his arm around Dawn and offered some advice.  
  
"Dawn, you should make friends with some kids your own age. You can't go on relying on your sister to be your mother, sister, housekeeper, personal chef, and your best friend all at the same time. And your sister gets the attention because she's the Slayer, which makes her special. And her friends have their own issues to work through. You need to find what's special about you and concentrate on that. You need learn to be happy spending time with yourself."  
  
"You're right, Mr. Brady. I'm going to go home and shine my hair and try to become the best Dawn I can be." On her way out of the Magic Box, Dawn stole the blueprints from Mr. Brady's briefcase, as an early Mother's Day gift for Buffy. Just then, the aforementioned awfully miniature minx walked into the Magic Box. Mr. Brady noticed that she was feeling down and asked her what her problem was.  
  
"Well, Mr. Brady," said Buffy as she sat down, "the problem started last summer after I jumped into a portal to save the world. My friends pulled me back out of heeeaaaven and ever since then, things have been tough. You see, my mom died last year and the hospital bills ate up her life insurance policy. I'm so strapped for cash that I only have enough money for one new leather coat a week. My sister is a former ball of green energy who is currently failing in school and social services is threatening to take her away. My best friend is a magic-addicted gay lesbian witch who's been freeloading since last summer. And my only light at the end of the tunnel was that my friends Xander and Anya were getting married, but he left her at the alter. I just don't understand why they can't work it out. She's a thousand year old sex-crazed, greedy ex-demon, and he's a puffy sex-crazed carpenter who spends his free time bottling up his emotions, eating donuts, and providing necessary exposition for the rest of us. They seem like the perfect couple. And I haven't even mentioned my undead, evil, unable-to-do-harm-thanks-to-a-chip-in-his-head, sexy vampire lover Spike…" At that moment, Spike burst into the Magic Box.  
  
" 'Allo, luv. Reckon I'd stop by 'ere to see what's up, since you didn't come by for a shag last night. Cor."  
  
"Spike! Why aren't you on fire? You ran over here in the middle of the day." Buffy started to drool as she looked at Spike's sexy cheekbones and imagined having sexy sex with him. Repeatedly. In many different positions.  
  
"It's a bit coudy today, inn't it, luv? Cor, as long as the clouds are out, no direct sunlight will penetrate these sexy abs." Spike ripped off his shirt, revealing his sexy muscles.  
  
"But what if the clouds move?" asked Mr. Brady. "Then the sun's rays could hit you."  
  
"Cor, that's why I always wear my bloody sunscreen. SPC 75, it is."  
  
"SPC?"  
  
"Special sodding Plot Contrivance. Lovely stuff they got there," the vampire Britishly replied as he held the open bottle to Buffy's nose.  
  
"Yum, smells like vanilla."  
  
"Everything smells like bleedin' vanilla to you, Blondie. Now lets romp around the clock." Spike put out his arms and Buffay jumped into them. She started dry humping Spike right there on the floor.  
  
"You crazy kids," Mr. Brady shook his head. "Always letting your hormones get the best of you. I think the problem here is that Buffy has decided that since she isn't in heeeaaaven anymore, that this must be her personal hell. And she's masking the pain by having sex with her enemy in order to not have to feel, which is an easy mistake for anyone to make. What she needs to do is…"  
  
Buffy and Spike were too busy tearing off each other's clothes to hear what Mr. Brady was saying. Spike was busy admiring Buffy's puckered opening as Willow and Tara walked into the room.  
  
"Mr. Brady," said Willow, "I have to thank you for your advice. I realized that I don't need magic to be happy and then I called my gay-witch- lesbian-Wiccan-Sophic-magick using-homosexual-mystical girlfriend and we made up! Everything is perfect now. Your advice was a gift from the Goddess." Tara nuzzled Willow's ear in a gay way.  
  
"I was happy to help, Willow," said Mr. Brady.  
  
Just then, Xander walked into the room holding Anya's hand. They stepped right over Buffy and Spike who were rolling around on the floor in ecstasy.  
  
"You kids look happy," said Mr. Brady.  
  
"We are," said Zoolander. "I found Anya and explained all of my feelings and fears to her. I've decided to go into counseling to work through my family issues. We've decided to stay together, but we're putting off the wedding until we're both more mature." Xander chewed on a piece of celery as he talked. "Also, I've joined Weight Watchers."  
  
"Well, that's wonderful," said Mr. Brady. "I'm so glad I could help." He looked down at Buffy and Spike. "It seems like I won't be able to pry them apart long enough to fix their problems. And I have to get going, back to my own dimension and my happy family." A portal opened up behind Mr. Brady and he stepped through it and out of sight.  
  
"Wow, we're all so happy now," said Willow as she gaily kissed Tara's neck. Just then, Dawn flounced through the door and started whining because everyone was busy being happy without her.  
  
"Hey! Nobody is paying attention to me!" she shrieked as she ineffectively stole Tara's purse, pulling on the clasp as Tara continued to hold onto the strap. "Get out, get out, GET OUT!" Thinking quickly for once, Xander quickly chicken-kicked Dawn with his chunky thighs into the still-open portal. She disappeared from view.  
  
"You get out!" Sczander called after her. "Well, that's better. I enjoy the quiet," he said as he remained blissfully unaware of Buffy's moans of pleasure.  
  
"Hey baby," said Willow as she turned to Tara, who fixed her 'Not Sacrificed from Real Deer' purse strap as her lover spoke, "wanna go home and have some gay lesbian sex?" Tara stutter-nodded in agreement as they skipped out the door.  
  
"Oh Xander," said Anya, "I'm so happy now that everything is perfect. Let's go play kinky sex games and then have sex on a big pile of money."  
  
"Sounds great!" said Xander. "I can't wait to start burning off these calories!"  
  
They ran out of the shop, leaving Buffy and Spike curled on the floor, basking in the afterglow.  
  
  
  
The End 


End file.
